I was watching home videos with my parents when I realized they were thirty-five during the filming. I am not slowing in my progression toward that age, and I felt quite old.
Then I thought about how my dad must feel sometimes to have a kid that’s closing in on 30.
Every now and then, I see people crying and wish I could live that hard.
To live that in-the-moment such that emotions can grab control and really, really let you live. To free you from the self-evaluation and self-awareness that limits you to acceptable behaviour. This, to me, is to live.
I’ve had a few of these moments, albeit few and far between and usually involved hurt quite deep, and usually a ridiculous physical activity, such as punching my car, or walking 4 miles at 1am, and usually involving a girl. But in those rare moments, I truly feel alive.
The rest of the time is spent just avoiding life because it might sting.
[ image yoinked from http://www.paperheart.org/imtoosad/ ]
Ref last post for an expository on my morning mournings.
However, it is now a new day and I have survived the one month under-intensive-review period. I feel accomplished. I have mastered the mediocre art of not sleeping in. I win.
I can again slack.
Just kidding.
Your friends will find other friends. They will from time to time prefer to hang out with other people. You will be the odd man out. You shifted in, you’ll shift out. It might hurt.
Does that mean we shouldn’t invest in our friends?
Also:
it’s surprisingly hard to properly care about somebody when you have a crush on them.
Maybe I will cut my hair. Some days long just doesn’t work.
Here’s a short list (potentially updated) of things I’m hoping to accomplish in 2009.
Some of these are easy and specifc, some not so much. I’m planning to get that Passport paperwork in before the end of January, which means I need to get the passport photo done as soon as possible. I’m excited.
I, sad as I
Sit I, sad as it is?
I sad? Ask! Sad as I.
O, she said I as eh. So?
Lob my sad ass; sad a symbol.
I sit, sad as tis, I.
Don’t ask. It’s just backwards and hilarious.
After all that hype, I still just got busted for being about an hour late today.
Sonofabitch.
next time, gadget! next time!
As I half suspected, I failed to chronicle my failures and successes at morning times for the remainding 15 days. It is now about a week past the last day and I don’t remember significant failures or fantastic successes.
Except for one day: I don’t remember which specific day it was, but I had a definite sense that I was losing control of the mornings. I had woken up quite late. I think I still made it ‘on time’, but not to the extent I had been hoping.
Otherwise, the remainder of the days were average successes. I was not exceptionally early, but I never missed any meetings and made it to everything I needed to make it to in the mornings, which was my real ultimate goal. So success.
However, since I’ve stopped pressing for it, I’ve seen myself slipping. Today I returned from a short vacation and was not able to get in here as early as I should have. 10am. A bit too late. Tomorrow is a new day. This will continue to be an area of effort. But now I don’t have to record about it online anymore. For now.