Neal was here

Get ready; here come some bold statements.

I will not let other people run our lives. Constantly caving to the opinion of others is a form of self-imposed slavery.

Recent circumstances have led me to reconsider heavily the impact that others have on my thinking, and my decisions. Since I was young, the thoughts of others have been a primary driver in my decision making. Whether I want to admit it or not, my academic success, choice of college, and career path have all been indirectly set by people besides me. I do not regret any of those choices, but I have to admit the factors that fed into my decisions. Some influences have been good. My parents, for example, rarely directly pushed me, but wanting to make them proud has driven much of who I have become. Others have not been so good, such as asking a girl to marry me long ago despite warning signs because I wanted to make her happy at the cost of my own.

I have done this because I have been afraid. I do not like conflict; even health competition makes me uneasy. I want people to like me, and so I refrain or temper my own feelings out of fear that they won’t. This leads to two problems: as a primary motivator, seeking validation can quickly lead to unhealthy behaviors; likeness does not guarantee likability, so it’s pointless anyway.

So as a continually growing individual (and almost 31), the time has come for that set of factors to take a back seat. Does this mean that the thoughts and feelings of others will no longer have a place? Not so; consideration of those around us is always something we must consider, but it is never healthy to let it be the primary decider. The decisions instead must be based on my own internal values, current circumstances, and goals. Sometimes the thoughts of others will weigh heavily in the process for good reason; sometimes not.

This is not an easy prospect, but a necessary one. How can I define myself in this world when I let those around me do the defining?

The flip side of this is that I know must take responsibility for my decisions. I cannot rely on others to point the way, and then just follow blindly. I must take the time to evaluate perspectives, options, and costs and arrive at my own defensible conclusions. I regret to say that this is somewhat new territory for me, and I’m terribly slow at it. I’ll also admit that it can terrify me at times. It has and will continue to be a process, and I’ll likely make a mistake or two. I’m willing to deal with that.

So if you find yourself at odds with my ideology or a decision I’ve made, believe it was not my intent to make it so. It is simply a renewed commitment to holding to values other than “whether people agree.” So ask me about it, and we’ll chat. In my eyes, the relationship need never be harmed, and can even be strengthened through conflict.

Here’s a short list of the websites I’ve started and never finished:

• http://www.bohlingfamily.com
• http://www.nealbohling.com
• http://neal.zapto.org
• My personal music site, refined
• My own flickr-ish site, for fun

I really want to get back into the web design, especially now that I’m starting to develop some contacts that could actually give me PHP work. But time is a precious resource that I’ve squandered on ‘school’ and ‘relationships’, so again the fun times are put off for another day.

I guess on the up-side, I have been able to code these sites in the past couple years:

• http://www.amantemission.org
• http://www.wearesorry.info
• My music site up to what it is now
• A personal bookmarking site

Working on a recruiting DB with a PHP front end for work

So all is not lost, but forward progress is slow.

In honor of my father’s 60th Birthday, I want to compile a list of things that he has taught me. This includes things that he has directly taught me through the typical avenues of discipline and words, and things he has taught me through indirect means: by being an example, or just by casual conversations. My father is one of the best dads in the world, and has taught me more than either of us will really ever realize. So without, further ado, here are the things I have learned from my father (in no particular order) :

1. Trains are good.
   

   My dad and a large steam train.

   

   Yep, that's me and my brother, Seth.

2. Quality over quantity. My dad never had an overabundance of money, but he was not afraid to spend the money to get something worthwhile instead of something that we’d be replacing within a month. This also extends to non-money things like television or hard work : if you can get the same result with a little more targeted quality effort, it’s worth it. And he’s still waiting for the right time to get a Bose Wave Radio.
3. Quiet work. There is a lot of satisfaction and even a weird sense of honor and civility in simply quietly working on a task. This has the added benefit of being how I work best. Some people like to chat while they work. I am not one of those people. Give me a task and a few quiet hours and I will enjoy this time completely. I believe my father works much the same way. He recently came up to help me paint the exterior of my house, and after working for nearly a day together, it sunk in that we work well together because we share the same work style. We were both able to see the task that needed done, and enjoy doing it in quiet. And for those who think we didn’t get closer because we didn’t talk, this is incorrect. I bonded more with my dad in that than if we had spent the whole day engaging in small talk.
   

   My dad and I working on my exterior walls

4. Brass instruments are good. My dad had played (and still does quite well) trombone, and his favorite bands include several brass-only ensembles. I tried to learn to play trombone for a year or so, and my trombone skill never really took off, but I still learned how beautiful a brass quartet can sound. To this day, if I hear brass music, I’ll sit back and revel a bit. Perhaps get a bit nostalgic as well.
   

   Dan and Lily playing trombone

5. Along those same lines, music is good. Knowing how to play music enhances life.
6. MacGyverisms, but before I knew who MacGyver was. I have a knack for creating solutions out of whatever materials are available. This is a skill that I am sure I got from my dad. When I was a kid, he would bust out the trains, and we would create interesting track patterns, make mountains out of boxes, and find fun ways to make tunnels. Then as I got older, occasionally out would come the huge box of assorted electronics components or old optical equipment, and my brothers, my dad, and I would sit around creating telescopes or ad-hoc circuits to turn on little light bulbs or run motors. These, and a myriad of other examples, are how I learned the skill of making things work.
7. Act on what you believe. In the early 90′s, my father and mother decided that working and raising us was not enough; they needed to be more active in the work of evangelizing the world. And they acted on it. My parents did what I am only now realizing was a very hard thing: they left everything they had built and started a new career with New Tribes Mission. I never heard my dad complain, and just remember him always pressing forward. (for what it’s worth, my mother’s support in the whole thing was very instrumental, and for that I admire her, but that’s a different topic for a different day).
8. Treat people well. My dad is always polite and does his best to accommodate other people. Fighting rarely solves anything, and I learned this whether it was an intentional lesson or not.
9. Treat women even better. Just do it. They are to be respected at all times.
10. Patience is a virtue. Very rarely did I see my dad get mad. Even more rare was him acting on it. I’ve only heard him yell a small handful of times, and it’s more of a sense that it might have happened rather than any specific example. My dad was very patient with his kids, his wife, and everybody around him. I respect him for that. I get compliments on my patience, and I learned it from him.
11. Alcohol / drugs are not worth it. For whatever reason, alcohol never appealed to my dad, and drugs weren’t even a consideration. As a result, I learned very early that, while those might be fun, they are more worthless than they are substantial. Unlike my dad, I do drink, but I’ve never lost that attitude that he demonstrated : a civil and sane mind is way more satisfying than any release that alcohol or drugs might bring.
12. Love is in the action. My parents loved me every day, and my dad shows it more than his words would. My dad was always willing to play with us, and always did what it takes to ensure that we were taken care of. To do this day, if I’m doing a project, he is willing to come up and help me out, and I take that as love, as I’m sure he means it.
13. Work hard. It pays off. My dad doesn’t do anything halfway. I appreciate that.
14. Things don’t make you happy. As I said above, my parents never suffered from an overabundance of money, but that never stopped us from having fun. We made trains out of boxes. We played in the yard. We’d do horsey rides around the house. We enjoyed fighting over the riding lawn mower. But what made it fun was not the THINGS, but doing it with family and loved ones.
15. Being smart is good. My parents fought for valedictorian of their high school. That story always stuck with me in that I prefer intelligence over almost anything else. My parents were my teachers for my first 6 grades (I was home-schooled), and we learned to alway ask questions and to never stop learning. School was always in session, and never in session. Learning is natural. This lesson alone will carry me and my career for the rest of my life, and I’m glad that I learned it from my dad early on.
16. Sometimes decisions take a long time. My dad and I both share the ability to see pros and cons for any given decision, which unfortunately means they all require consideration. This can make grocery shopping take a bit longer, and some may find it annoying, but I’m glad I share that with him.
17. Thinking habits. We both rub the hairs on our arm on our lip when we think. I have no idea where it came from or how I picked it up, but I did. It’s dumb, but it makes me happy to share things like that with my dad.
18. Don’t be afraid to be silly sometimes.
    

19. Humble Strength. My dad is strong. Stronger than he might seem. And I don’t mean physical strength, I mean mental and moral strength. My father is a prime example of strength that doesn’t need to prove itself constantly, which, in my view, shows even more strength. When my dad needs it, he has all the power he needs, but he doesn’t get it from demands and commands. He gets it from a life of living proof that he knows what is he talking about, so he commands respect without demanding it. He will forever have my respect as one of the best men I’ve ever known.

My father has been hugely influential in the way I think about life, and I will forever be grateful for that.

Walking with Caleb

I want to completely lose it.

I’m not talking a casual flirtatious dance with disaster. I’m not talking about just thinking about it. I want to jump in whole-heartedly and lose control in my desire and passion. To completely be sold out day in and day out.

I want to work for myself and run my own business, successfully.

However, I’m sensing more and more that the only way I can do this is to completely lose my mind.

I have a great job with a great future. My paycheck pays my bills and lets me do what I enjoy. Why would I muck that up?

What would happen if I don’t succeed? Where would I live, what would I do? How would I provide for a family, or even just my own big mouth?

These are the things that stop me. My stupid rational mind weighs risk and potential gain and tells me it’s not worth it.

But the other part of my brain, that part that yearns for freedom and creativity, screams at me daily to get off my tuckus and prove myself. This and other desk jobs will always be around. Your ability to create may not. Get out there and use it; take risks; be genius.

So this is my new goal : lose my damned mind! and become so entrenched with desire that it becomes ridiculous to not follow through.

And then, prepare.

Unwilling to settle in for the day, I got on the motorcycle Easter morning to do a little exploring, and, with hope, some thinking.

I saw great sights, rode great rides, and had a smoke. It was glorious. It was Easter.

A few of the more notable notes from that morning:

1.) Many churches are distinctively empty on Easter morning.

And there are a lot of churches on Tanque Verde, including the infamous “cool church”, which still intrigues and frightens me.

However, I drove past probably 10 churches and only saw cars in about 3 of them. I wonder if they all go to the same sunrise place. If not, there are a lot of random people in the desert staring at the sun on that Sunday morning.

Right next to the cool church was a large Lutheran church, however, and the line to get into that parking lot was about a block long.

2.) All the really cool places to ride in north-east Tucson are blocked off by ‘security gates’. Seems the rich don’t like sightseers on their driveway.

Nonetheless, I was able to see some really cool publically-available spots, such as this one:

This is at the top of a ridiculously steep hill on Snyder just off N Kolb road. The view was fantastic, and trying to get to the top was an interesting adventure on the motorcyele. Even more interesting was not rolling down the hill while taking pictures. I had driven past this road hundreds of times and had never taken the time to see the top. A sadness, really.

I also saw a decent number of folks wondering where the blazes I was going as I navigated my way straight to the end of several dead-ends and had to turn around, only to pass them yet again, causing some laughter in their hearts.

To me, it just reinforced the idea that life, like exploration, leads you to a certain number of dead ends. But if you don’t look around, you’ll miss some of the most intriguing sights.

3.) Easter is the time to be outside in Tucson

It was 65 or 70 degrees (F), and there was a slight breeze. The sun was shining, and the fauna was blooming just enough to give a slight smell to the air.

There were people everywhere. Everyone and their dog were outside walking or biking or shopping or pulling weeds.

4.) I need thinking time.

Except that I don’t remember the details about what I thought. I remember thinking through relationships, life goals, personal problems, religion, and the-life-less-ordinary, but none of it stuck through till today, Wednesday, other than that I thoroughly enjoy the quiet time to let my brain process all the info that had accumulated over the months.

I was watching home videos with my parents when I realized they were thirty-five during the filming. I am not slowing in my progression toward that age, and I felt quite old.

Then I thought about how my dad must feel sometimes to have a kid that’s closing in on 30.

Every now and then, I see people crying and wish I could live that hard.

To live that in-the-moment such that emotions can grab control and really, really let you live. To free you from the self-evaluation and self-awareness that limits you to acceptable behaviour. This, to me, is to live.

I’ve had a few of these moments, albeit few and far between and usually involved hurt quite deep, and usually a ridiculous physical activity, such as punching my car, or walking 4 miles at 1am, and usually involving a girl. But in those rare moments, I truly feel alive.

The rest of the time is spent just avoiding life because it might sting.

[ image yoinked from http://www.paperheart.org/imtoosad/ ]

Ref last post for an expository on my morning mournings.

However, it is now a new day and I have survived the one month under-intensive-review period. I feel accomplished. I have mastered the mediocre art of not sleeping in. I win.

I can again slack.

Just kidding.

If you read backwards through this online chronicling, you’ll see that I have spent a month working on mornings. Despite the great feeling of success, I seem to have made zero progress.

Last week my manager gave me two options: be in on time or leave. I am choosing to stay. This thing cannot beat me. After all, it is merely mornings. Just don’t tell me that at 7:15 or I will eat your face.

This brief encounter with potential unemployment has starting ponderings regarding other options for employment. For a brief moment I considered walking away from IBM and becoming the truly great [.?.] that I am destined to be. Then I decided that I have bills to pay and would hate to leave IBM on these terms. Call it responsibility, or call it fear of the unknown; it’s probably a little of both.

With this newfound thinking, I realized I do have an actual passion and it’s not in the realm of mainframes (although I do find these giant processing machine fantastic). I thoroughly enjoy web-related programming: apps, plugins, themes, pointless ditties. They are all amazing. I also realized a serious dream I have is to be part of a web designing firm. Especially at the top.

This, unfortunately, scares me for a couple reasons: a.) the web is ever changing and staying on top of the new technologies takes time and effort. b.) I have an artistic propensity, but my implementations are still rough and charging for them seems unfair. c.) not a lot of money in that business unless you really do well. d.) who knows how long web will stick around, and how long a given web skillset will be viable. With the skills I’m learning in IBM, I could do this job for the next 50 years. Web doesn’t last like that.

But it also appeals to me for several other reasons. 1.) Own your own business. 2.) Do the work you want to do. 3.) PHP, Javascript, Perl, ASP and .NET > PLX. 4.) Emerging technologies provide potential for early self-establishment in the industry.

So I’ve decided to at least throw some effort at that realm of my life again. I’m going to look into some design classes at the local community college, and start web programming whenever I get spare time. In that effort, I’ve started / restarted a couple websites:
 http://www.bohlingfamily.com

 http://www.kairosministry.org

Both are basic WordPress installations with no coding required. And I stole OSS templates for the themes. It’s a meager start, but a start. I’ll begin building my library of personal PHP libraries and plugins, and design a few templates myself here soon.

I’m also rejoining the effort behind a company a friend of mine started a couple years ago, Thought Design. Munsey has taken full ownership and has been driving it since, but it’s time to start working with him again more and more and see if we can make it a viable business.

While that grows, I’ve got a couple different projects in the fire. This template needs a redesign, I’m working with Elements at PCC to rework their site, and I want to put together two different code packages and fully explore AJAX. Plenty to do.

so let the internet sub-revolution sort of slowly think about beginning.

Your friends will find other friends. They will from time to time prefer to hang out with other people. You will be the odd man out. You shifted in, you’ll shift out. It might hurt.

Does that mean we shouldn’t invest in our friends?