I was watching home videos with my parents when I realized they were thirty-five during the filming. I am not slowing in my progression toward that age, and I felt quite old.
Then I thought about how my dad must feel sometimes to have a kid that’s closing in on 30.
Every now and then, I see people crying and wish I could live that hard.
To live that in-the-moment such that emotions can grab control and really, really let you live. To free you from the self-evaluation and self-awareness that limits you to acceptable behaviour. This, to me, is to live.
I’ve had a few of these moments, albeit few and far between and usually involved hurt quite deep, and usually a ridiculous physical activity, such as punching my car, or walking 4 miles at 1am, and usually involving a girl. But in those rare moments, I truly feel alive.
The rest of the time is spent just avoiding life because it might sting.
[ image yoinked from http://www.paperheart.org/imtoosad/ ]
If you read backwards through this online chronicling, you’ll see that I have spent a month working on mornings. Despite the great feeling of success, I seem to have made zero progress.
Last week my manager gave me two options: be in on time or leave. I am choosing to stay. This thing cannot beat me. After all, it is merely mornings. Just don’t tell me that at 7:15 or I will eat your face.
This brief encounter with potential unemployment has starting ponderings regarding other options for employment. For a brief moment I considered walking away from IBM and becoming the truly great [.?.] that I am destined to be. Then I decided that I have bills to pay and would hate to leave IBM on these terms. Call it responsibility, or call it fear of the unknown; it’s probably a little of both.
With this newfound thinking, I realized I do have an actual passion and it’s not in the realm of mainframes (although I do find these giant processing machine fantastic). I thoroughly enjoy web-related programming: apps, plugins, themes, pointless ditties. They are all amazing. I also realized a serious dream I have is to be part of a web designing firm. Especially at the top.
This, unfortunately, scares me for a couple reasons: a.) the web is ever changing and staying on top of the new technologies takes time and effort. b.) I have an artistic propensity, but my implementations are still rough and charging for them seems unfair. c.) not a lot of money in that business unless you really do well. d.) who knows how long web will stick around, and how long a given web skillset will be viable. With the skills I’m learning in IBM, I could do this job for the next 50 years. Web doesn’t last like that.
But it also appeals to me for several other reasons. 1.) Own your own business. 2.) Do the work you want to do. 3.) PHP, Javascript, Perl, ASP and .NET > PLX. 4.) Emerging technologies provide potential for early self-establishment in the industry.
So I’ve decided to at least throw some effort at that realm of my life again. I’m going to look into some design classes at the local community college, and start web programming whenever I get spare time. In that effort, I’ve started / restarted a couple websites:
http://www.bohlingfamily.com
Both are basic Wordpress installations with no coding required. And I stole OSS templates for the themes. It’s a meager start, but a start. I’ll begin building my library of personal PHP libraries and plugins, and design a few templates myself here soon.
I’m also rejoining the effort behind a company a friend of mine started a couple years ago, Thought Design. Munsey has taken full ownership and has been driving it since, but it’s time to start working with him again more and more and see if we can make it a viable business.
While that grows, I’ve got a couple different projects in the fire. This template needs a redesign, I’m working with Elements at PCC to rework their site, and I want to put together two different code packages and fully explore AJAX. Plenty to do.
so let the internet sub-revolution sort of slowly think about beginning.
Your friends will find other friends. They will from time to time prefer to hang out with other people. You will be the odd man out. You shifted in, you’ll shift out. It might hurt.
Does that mean we shouldn’t invest in our friends?
Also:
it’s surprisingly hard to properly care about somebody when you have a crush on them.
Maybe I will cut my hair. Some days long just doesn’t work.
Here’s a short list (potentially updated) of things I’m hoping to accomplish in 2009.
Some of these are easy and specifc, some not so much. I’m planning to get that Passport paperwork in before the end of January, which means I need to get the passport photo done as soon as possible. I’m excited.
I, sad as I
Sit I, sad as it is?
I sad? Ask! Sad as I.
O, she said I as eh. So?
Lob my sad ass; sad a symbol.
I sit, sad as tis, I.
Don’t ask. It’s just backwards and hilarious.
After all that hype, I still just got busted for being about an hour late today.
Sonofabitch.
next time, gadget! next time!
As I half suspected, I failed to chronicle my failures and successes at morning times for the remainding 15 days. It is now about a week past the last day and I don’t remember significant failures or fantastic successes.
Except for one day: I don’t remember which specific day it was, but I had a definite sense that I was losing control of the mornings. I had woken up quite late. I think I still made it ‘on time’, but not to the extent I had been hoping.
Otherwise, the remainder of the days were average successes. I was not exceptionally early, but I never missed any meetings and made it to everything I needed to make it to in the mornings, which was my real ultimate goal. So success.
However, since I’ve stopped pressing for it, I’ve seen myself slipping. Today I returned from a short vacation and was not able to get in here as early as I should have. 10am. A bit too late. Tomorrow is a new day. This will continue to be an area of effort. But now I don’t have to record about it online anymore. For now.