Neal was here

I want to completely lose it.

I’m not talking a casual flirtatious dance with disaster. I’m not talking about just thinking about it. I want to jump in whole-heartedly and lose control in my desire and passion. To completely be sold out day in and day out.

I want to work for myself and run my own business, successfully.

However, I’m sensing more and more that the only way I can do this is to completely lose my mind.

I have a great job with a great future. My paycheck pays my bills and lets me do what I enjoy. Why would I muck that up?

What would happen if I don’t succeed? Where would I live, what would I do? How would I provide for a family, or even just my own big mouth?

These are the things that stop me. My stupid rational mind weighs risk and potential gain and tells me it’s not worth it.

But the other part of my brain, that part that yearns for freedom and creativity, screams at me daily to get off my tuckus and prove myself. This and other desk jobs will always be around. Your ability to create may not. Get out there and use it; take risks; be genius.

So this is my new goal : lose my damned mind! and become so entrenched with desire that it becomes ridiculous to not follow through.

And then, prepare.

Unwilling to settle in for the day, I got on the motorcycle Easter morning to do a little exploring, and, with hope, some thinking.

I saw great sights, rode great rides, and had a smoke. It was glorious. It was Easter.

A few of the more notable notes from that morning:

1.) Many churches are distinctively empty on Easter morning.

And there are a lot of churches on Tanque Verde, including the infamous “cool church”, which still intrigues and frightens me.

However, I drove past probably 10 churches and only saw cars in about 3 of them. I wonder if they all go to the same sunrise place. If not, there are a lot of random people in the desert staring at the sun on that Sunday morning.

Right next to the cool church was a large Lutheran church, however, and the line to get into that parking lot was about a block long.

2.) All the really cool places to ride in north-east Tucson are blocked off by ‘security gates’. Seems the rich don’t like sightseers on their driveway.

Nonetheless, I was able to see some really cool publically-available spots, such as this one:

This is at the top of a ridiculously steep hill on Snyder just off N Kolb road. The view was fantastic, and trying to get to the top was an interesting adventure on the motorcyele. Even more interesting was not rolling down the hill while taking pictures. I had driven past this road hundreds of times and had never taken the time to see the top. A sadness, really.

I also saw a decent number of folks wondering where the blazes I was going as I navigated my way straight to the end of several dead-ends and had to turn around, only to pass them yet again, causing some laughter in their hearts.

To me, it just reinforced the idea that life, like exploration, leads you to a certain number of dead ends. But if you don’t look around, you’ll miss some of the most intriguing sights.

3.) Easter is the time to be outside in Tucson

It was 65 or 70 degrees (F), and there was a slight breeze. The sun was shining, and the fauna was blooming just enough to give a slight smell to the air.

There were people everywhere. Everyone and their dog were outside walking or biking or shopping or pulling weeds.

4.) I need thinking time.

Except that I don’t remember the details about what I thought. I remember thinking through relationships, life goals, personal problems, religion, and the-life-less-ordinary, but none of it stuck through till today, Wednesday, other than that I thoroughly enjoy the quiet time to let my brain process all the info that had accumulated over the months.

I was watching home videos with my parents when I realized they were thirty-five during the filming. I am not slowing in my progression toward that age, and I felt quite old.

Then I thought about how my dad must feel sometimes to have a kid that’s closing in on 30.

Every now and then, I see people crying and wish I could live that hard.

To live that in-the-moment such that emotions can grab control and really, really let you live. To free you from the self-evaluation and self-awareness that limits you to acceptable behaviour. This, to me, is to live.

I’ve had a few of these moments, albeit few and far between and usually involved hurt quite deep, and usually a ridiculous physical activity, such as punching my car, or walking 4 miles at 1am, and usually involving a girl. But in those rare moments, I truly feel alive.

The rest of the time is spent just avoiding life because it might sting.

[ image yoinked from http://www.paperheart.org/imtoosad/ ]

If you read backwards through this online chronicling, you’ll see that I have spent a month working on mornings. Despite the great feeling of success, I seem to have made zero progress.

Last week my manager gave me two options: be in on time or leave. I am choosing to stay. This thing cannot beat me. After all, it is merely mornings. Just don’t tell me that at 7:15 or I will eat your face.

This brief encounter with potential unemployment has starting ponderings regarding other options for employment. For a brief moment I considered walking away from IBM and becoming the truly great [.?.] that I am destined to be. Then I decided that I have bills to pay and would hate to leave IBM on these terms. Call it responsibility, or call it fear of the unknown; it’s probably a little of both.

With this newfound thinking, I realized I do have an actual passion and it’s not in the realm of mainframes (although I do find these giant processing machine fantastic). I thoroughly enjoy web-related programming: apps, plugins, themes, pointless ditties. They are all amazing. I also realized a serious dream I have is to be part of a web designing firm. Especially at the top.

This, unfortunately, scares me for a couple reasons: a.) the web is ever changing and staying on top of the new technologies takes time and effort. b.) I have an artistic propensity, but my implementations are still rough and charging for them seems unfair. c.) not a lot of money in that business unless you really do well. d.) who knows how long web will stick around, and how long a given web skillset will be viable. With the skills I’m learning in IBM, I could do this job for the next 50 years. Web doesn’t last like that.

But it also appeals to me for several other reasons. 1.) Own your own business. 2.) Do the work you want to do. 3.) PHP, Javascript, Perl, ASP and .NET > PLX. 4.) Emerging technologies provide potential for early self-establishment in the industry.

So I’ve decided to at least throw some effort at that realm of my life again. I’m going to look into some design classes at the local community college, and start web programming whenever I get spare time. In that effort, I’ve started / restarted a couple websites:
 http://www.bohlingfamily.com

 http://www.kairosministry.org

Both are basic WordPress installations with no coding required. And I stole OSS templates for the themes. It’s a meager start, but a start. I’ll begin building my library of personal PHP libraries and plugins, and design a few templates myself here soon.

I’m also rejoining the effort behind a company a friend of mine started a couple years ago, Thought Design. Munsey has taken full ownership and has been driving it since, but it’s time to start working with him again more and more and see if we can make it a viable business.

While that grows, I’ve got a couple different projects in the fire. This template needs a redesign, I’m working with Elements at PCC to rework their site, and I want to put together two different code packages and fully explore AJAX. Plenty to do.

so let the internet sub-revolution sort of slowly think about beginning.

Your friends will find other friends. They will from time to time prefer to hang out with other people. You will be the odd man out. You shifted in, you’ll shift out. It might hurt.

Does that mean we shouldn’t invest in our friends?

Also:

it’s surprisingly hard to properly care about somebody when you have a crush on them.

Maybe I will cut my hair. Some days long just doesn’t work.

Here’s a short list (potentially updated) of things I’m hoping to accomplish in 2009.

1. Increase savings to $15k. That’s about $1000/mo saved. $500/paycheck. $125/wk. $25/workday. Etc. Done end of June 2009. Whoop.
2. Travel. I don’t really care where, but I travelling is something I want to be doing. [went to Sedona/Grand Canyon/Flagstaff with Connie in September! not quite 'travel', but a good start]
3. Get my passport. Crucial for #2. I have been telling myself I was going to do this since 2006. (done Feb 2009)
4. Tile my house. I almost did it this year but bailed at the last second to sort the office instead. It’s going to be a lot of work. [DONE! January 2010.. almost within 2009]
5. Paint more of the house. Maybe a bedroom. [front room done June 2009]
6. Cook more.
7. Read more. At least a book per month. I want reading to be my fun hobby again, and I’ve got plenty of books to explore. And I live near a library.
8. Open up better; be warmer. Have to think on this one.
9. And a vague one: decide where I want my career to go and start working toward it. I’m thinking advertising and graphic design classes. [july 2009 update] -Decision more or less made : now just gotta get to work
10. Not get a significant haircut; just trims. I think I’m going to be stubborn and keep it long. At least for awhile. Or until a pretty girl tells me it looks better short. I’m a wuss. [amendment. It's July and I'm kind of sick of this hair.] [amendment 2: FAIL, hair cut in mid July.]
11. Live a little. Live a little more intentionally.
12. Go on a date with a beautiful woman.[Done! Aug 10, 2009]
13. Redesign this site again. And get the bohlingfamily.com set up and running. But that’s more a January goal. (done Jan 2009)

Some of these are easy and specifc, some not so much. I’m planning to get that Passport paperwork in before the end of January, which means I need to get the passport photo done as soon as possible. I’m excited.

I, sad as I
Sit I, sad as it is?
I sad? Ask! Sad as I.
O, she said I as eh. So?
Lob my sad ass; sad a symbol.
I sit, sad as tis, I.

Don’t ask. It’s just backwards and hilarious.